Infrequency

Something that feels like a curse is the infrequency of sex for the one wanting it the most. More accurately stated, the one needing to release that love act as part of their love language. If you love someone and this makes you want them intimately even more, then you are going to want it. You may even act lovey-dovey. The other person seeing this as a clue, then shuts it down. This can be frustrating. Later you learn they shut it down out of love so you would not get disappointed after getting your hopes up. Too late. Or they are just being selfish and shut you down as they want to retain the control, until they want it, then expecting you to be ready, making you feel like a sad pauper waiting for the crumbs.

We feel taking a look at infrequency is a necessary part of understanding.

Timeframe since last having sex:

During

Not knowing when sex will happen again, you tease that you don’t want this ever to end. Then you tease that after the act is over, you want to touch them and rest with them until then having the stamina to go again. As soon as it is over, it is over. You are exhausted and your spouse starts thinking about getting ready for the next day.

Right After

You might ask to discuss what you liked, what she liked, knowing that once the moment is over, it won’t ever get talked about again, and will fall into the vast grey area of the other times you have been intimate with her. If she actually wants to share the positives of this most recent encounter, now just a minute or two after finishing, then count it as a blessing.

If she remains silent, this won’t feel good. Pending, on what to do about that. Of course you have to roll with the punches.

Already you begin to mourn when the next time will be. You try to plant the seed for next time, if she has not much to offer, then she is likely not wanting to get your hopes up. Mission accomplished! The hope of it is more vacant. She wants you to not worry about it, and even though she knows you worry, her words to comfort about it are few, as any hype from her about it feels like a lie to her. She doesn’t want to get your hopes up, but to be happy and ready when she is, which will be the next time she offers.

Who is in control here? What about a partnership?

Day One

It is one day since you had sex with your wife and you are feeling mostly confident, but still you don’t have a clue the next time you will have sex with her. Knowing it is not going to be on back-to-back days, you might masturbate just to know that you could have done it. You use the memory of last night to help promote the fantasy. Knowing she never wants it the next day, hurts the fantasy. Good luck.

As early as Day One, getting nervous about when next time will be. This is because of the trauma of the past waiting.

Day Two

It has been two days since you had sex with your wife. The memory of it is still pretty fresh. Your body starts to talk to your mind, and vice-versa as your sex factory has replenished a lot of the swimmers that you lost two days ago. Do you now start planting seeds about next time, or do you act like you are strong and patient. The ultimate friend, and patient-confident lover. Will you portray someone that remains confident and loved despite it now being two full days since last time? It is time for bed, and she is acting tired. She is commenting at how tired she is, but somehow finds the energy to blow 45 minutes looking at the bills. You lay in bed, and you know you are in trouble. It is only day two and you are wondering, “How did we even have sex two days ago?” You say a prayer, “Oh God, please let it be soon, and natural.

Note: You love her, so you continue to love her each day and she feels very loved. This may fill her “love-void” and as it makes you want her more sexually; it may not have that effect on her as you are already nurturing what is most important to her.

Day Three

It has been three days since you last had sex with your wife, and unless you masturbate, your sex factory of swimmers is full, and sending the “sex” message to your brain. Gibing a subtle hint, may seem too desperate. Asking and getting denied it too heartbreaking and embarrassing. Asking her to start thinking about it? That is fair. You want to at least masturbate next to her as she is fully aware, but she has never said “yes” to that. You try to think of how to give a hint that works. You were loving and supportive today. Again, you wonder, “How did we end up having sex last time?

Day Four

Frustration officially begins as it has been four days since you last had sex. You start to doubt her love for you. “What is she doing. She knows it is like torture for me after day four.”

Day Five

“Would she want me if I looked like Brad Pitt?” You start questioning how attractive you are to her.

Thoughts of forcing it to happen during the night. This sounds awful, even illegal, worded this way. Of course, gently, and even lovingly (?), but then you getting her hands in your face pushing you away. Then you can’t sleep, and then the bitterness grows.

Note: As time goes on this one creeps in much sooner than it used to. Fantasizing about her and an ex-boyfriend having their most intimate moment. This is awful. If this happens it is time to talk to her ASAP. This normally would happen after a month, but over time, sooner, as the hurt and anxiety of it builds. Now you have scar tissue.

Note: Women and Men: Be honest about past intimate details without giving details that will haunt your spouse’s later in life.

Day Six

“Why did she marry me again? Married people get to have sex?

Day Seven

You are realizing that no matter how good you are to her, it has no bearing on when she will want you sexually, because other stresses unplug her internal slow cooker. You try to unplug your internal microwave. Bitterness starts to kindle as you are frustrated that you have to turn to the friendship, but also turn to your hobbies. You start to spend more time alone as it is getting harder to be around this one that you love so much, knowing that sexually you are not on their radar.

Note: But you are. The whole time she is likely thinking of the next time, but she isn’t telling you this. If you beg and confess the hardship of the waiting, she will likely say she has been thinking about it; however, she will likely not pinpoint a time or day, but let you feel like a bad-guy with saying, “But I have been thinking about it.” Then she does not offer much more.

Day Eight

You consider pornography, but you know that will just cause you to feel bitter towards her. Plus, getting tract by the internet as someone that went to a porn site. You start to long to visualize sex. You try to find a podcast that has sounds of sex. This takes you down a path of sadness of all the slut content.

Day Nine

You look at other women and realize you are wondering, “I wonder what she is like in bed.” You realize it is time to ask for sex. She is tired and acts defensive from the embarrassment of having you get into this longing, once again. Sex on this day would be awkward and does not happen. If she is smart, she has sex with you the next day.

Day Ten

You start to do less for her because you are getting bitter. This helps to dull the pain. You try to sleep further from her in bed. She says something about it, and you try to say nothing is wrong. You realize again, you married someone with a sex drive that is opposite of yours. You pray to God and ask “Why?” When you and he know how you prayed all those years for a wife that would want to be sexual with you, so what happened?

Day Eleven

You start to talk about it with people, which would embarrass your wife if she found out. Now a co-worker knows. Your sister knows. You tell people and this does not help you to feel better.

Five Weeks

After six weeks all the symptoms of the previous weeks of infrequency are there, but now being buried by the more serious.

You start wondering if you are just a bridge to her next husband. You give her children, memories, support, and lots of love. Then you die. She is sad and says she will never remarry, unless she is young enough to simply want the companionship. Are you forever still holding a special part of her heart, and her life’s path. Of course, but not you are just a piece. She starts to hit it off with someone from church and her need for a companion shows itself even more. Will she wait for marriage before having sex with him? You know it is harder to wait after you have had it before.

Note: Our contact on this has said that his wife confessed, “I don’t need intimacy that often, but if you were to die, I would really miss it.”

Meant to be a compliment this was a telling dagger to the truth. An admission that frequency to her was different than what it meant to her husband.

So, she would eventually be hungry for it again, and here you are still alive and still married to her, thinking about her next husband.

Add to this that you are also thinking that her frequency with this new companion is for often. Why? Because she values it even more now, and the differences in his man parts may blend with her female parts even better than when she was with you. What do we mean? What if it sometimes hurt her, because your smaller “thing” needed to create the friction, but now her new man has more girth, and fills the space nicely and thus less friction action is need. Then that sets her off for an occasional “O” that is amazing, and something you could never giver her.

Note: All this extra thinking, that is tearing you down and driving you crazy, because the two of you could have a simple make-out session that at least caused you the relief.

“I have been thinking about it, but I have been so tired.”

How many years do you have to hear this? Are we missing something? Is their value in intimacy counselling?

“No, we don’t need counselling.” As she ponders that she will just do better in the future. Counselling is like an admitting of failure.

Note: If a husband it is asking for any form of marriage counselling, this is a cry for help, as he does not want to go down the path of adultery, but it is brewing, especially after six weeks. Harder to say that adultery has been on his mind.

Week Six

Something that actually started at week three but is now splintering into the thought of reaching towards pornography. Now the admission to the spouse, almost pleading.

“I am considering pornography, and I know that will leave me empty, sad, and maybe even bitter. Please let’s be intimate soon.”

Or the classic, “I am starting to imagine sex with every woman I see, not that I am going to do it, but please help me.”

Our point of contact states that this confession results in, “I am so sorry.” And “The problem is I was thinking of surprising you with it tonight, and now it won’t seem like a gift, but instead me doing it because of my previous lack of attention to it.”

Can we see how suddenly this man feels about two feet tall, and won’t even be in the mood for sex?

Are these mind tricks, or just honest “foot in mouth” moments by the one that is offering the fewer opportunities?

Note: Seeking a friend with benefits is now heavy on the mind after week Six and Seven, which makes one think, “Why did she marry me?”

“This isn’t living!”

Thinking you are better off dead start to creep in. “Why should I be around as I am just suffering. This is torture.”

“Is she better off without me?”

Our point of contact knows that his wife loves him dearly, and yet still.

Introduce the concept of you satisfying her with so much loving attention, that she feels so loved, that her need for sex is less because her love space has been nicely filled already.

Remember the girls that said they had sex because they were seeking love? Well, that comes into play here, if the woman is already getting that love, without even giving sex.

Week Seven

A desperation move is considered. Knowing that she does not respond well to direct discussion on rebooting the intimacy so that it can happen, write loving notes. mail them if you can, but that may seem to take too long as intimate thoughts and ideas, you will want them to get to her right-away.

On a 3X5 card write helpful tips. Things that you want to say but she will “shush” you and say, “Don’t want the kids to hear.”

On a 3X5 card write fun intimacy ideas.

In a letter you can write out longer thoughts.

Put in an envelope. Date everything. Put on her desk in your bedroom. You will have to ask her eventually if she wants the fun of having it mailed.

Note: Despite all of this sounding super loving and patient, as all this is happening are the negative thoughts. Requesting marriage counselling which can be positive. Stepping out on her has already been established as making the pain greater, for you, and the bitterness towards her would only increase.

If she loves you a lot, and in the case of our contact, this is the case, at every turn she will say, “I’m just tired. I have been so busy. I need to get ready for work. I need to get ready for bed. I have been thinking about it.”

Lord, please help. Two months, really? We get it and yet it blows us away that escaping into a love making moment is THAT difficult. Even our contacts wife would agree that she wants it, and knows the benefit. She even knows that her husband is dying inside as each day passes, and yet this persists. Generational curse?

Marrying someone you are equally yoked with, sexually, is important, but since that is impossible to fully predict, in our opinion, you marry the one you love, and the communicate the rest, but what if it is a battle for year and decades? Shouldn’t the learning of it change some of this, and then her love for you is the engine that allows moments to happen?

Like learning about Bigfoot, the more we learn the less we know.

Week Eight, continued…

This is when you visit the adult store. Looking for answers. You will confess this. She will feel bad. You share some ideas that you saw, like supplements, and so on. Lingerie, and such.

You get the love envelope to her desk, but she doesn’t get upstairs until late. Some discussion as to when she would have the best timing to enjoy it. Perhaps right after work when she is home alone, but that is almost a full day later. Maybe mailing it would have been good enough.

You make sure to masturbate before writing again, so as to tone down the intensity of the notes and letters. You question this.

Trapped; image, by Geralt from Pixabay.

Trapped; image, by Geralt from Pixabay.