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We agree this is a bit much, and too personal, but as we strive to learn – March, 2024
We went back to edit this and found it frustrating. It is hard to follow, and can we learn much from such a small sample? A sample that is too personal to begin with. Perhaps our worst page, but the boldest. – May 2024
We thank our point of contact on this…
Days represented are the days since last having sex with spouse…
Note: This page was too ambitious and probably too personal.
In the below accounts, they went 50 days, then nine days, and then three days in-between each. What is not detailed is then three days again, and then about once per week.
This means seven to eight days in the waiting, and never knowing when. As seven days approached, the husband figured the time was near; however, if it creeps into eight days then the insult is too much, and a hard discussion would happen.
It helps if he gets tired, and starts to care more about sleep, and cares less about the sex. If this happens, then he does go to sleep with some resentment, in theory, but when being this tired, the sleep sounds pretty good.
Create new page for lessons learned.
Since March 2024 we found this marriage Podcast…
The Stronger Marriage Podcast
Day Three, Wednesday, March 2024
Trying to sleep. She feels the need to work on a project. He is nice about it. Now it is well after midnight. He wakes to her getting into bed naked, which is a big sign, and it happened. Now he is having trouble being quick, but she is nice about it. “Quick” is often requested by her when it is this late; thus, the pressure to be able to respond. Discussion ensues as to the reasoning. Very positive. Learning points of this discussion are so intimate we resist sharing even though it would be helpful to many. Thinking…
Will create a helpful new section and leave this section cryptic enough, leaving some things private. We know, that sounds hypocritical at this point.
This instance happened so early, it is hard to call it Day Three and was almost Day Two, which is quite promising.
Day Two, Tuesday, March 2024
He is thinking about it, and would want to, but no hard feeling about it. Appreciative.
Day One, Monday, March 2024
Nope, but he is good. Easy to love on her today. Grateful. Appreciative.
Day Nine, Sunday
It happened. Amazingly, the day after feeling icky. Wife is thinking of a strategy to squeeze in sex during bed-time prep. This is new. this is hopeful. Heartfelt talks working? Talks where she does not talk back much, but then later responds with action? it seems. Could this be part of the equation? Have we broken the code?
Day Eight, Saturday
Actually, day Seven, but the whole math thing of the last time being at 1:30 AM on a Sunday. Nope, she felt icky. Couldn’t sleep again. As he was awake our contact realized that she would rather have had sex than be icky, right? Right. If he complains to her, this would be her defense, he knows it.
Note: Her declaration of setting a certain day, does not guarantee that it will happen. She would say, “Well, then the next day.”
Our contact feels he is just living for the next time. What is he to do? Again, because the next time is always uncertain, then this creates the anxiety. Wives, please learn from this.
He definitely loves her so all other options are out. Divorce, Separation, porn, extra-marital relationship, and so on. Also, leaving her does not guaranty having more sex with a future partner. Plus, more frequent sex with someone you love less, is that worth it?
If you leave her, you fear she will have great sex with her next husband. You lose!
Day Seven, March 2024
Nope, but how could he be surprised by that. Despite knowing that Saturday is in one day, it was hard to sleep. Waiting, does not guarantee anything.
Day Six, March 2024
Nope. Tried to be intimate during the night and it did not go well. At least she was not mad and tried to be loving the rest of the day which is good because our point of contact was so humiliated he did not want to talk to her the rest of the day. Her being loving about normal daily things helped him to not push her away.
It did lead to a request to have a noon quickie. That did not work out but created a chance at a discussion, her offering for Saturday to be the day. He thanked her for this communication.
Day Five, March 2024
She is probably thinking more about it now that it is day five, right? Now a weekend trip is looming that leaves her husband at home for the weekend to be with kids and do home projects.
Thinking of trying that thing, where the husband starts being intimate with her when she is asleep. This never works. What if this time the husband is persistent and keeps trying until she allows it, and then she likes it? I know, sounds awful right? “That’s not love!” Well, being infrequent when you know your husband is in agony; is that love? Compromise?
Time to start planting the seeds for discussions on things such as this.
Day Four, March 2023
Feels like four days. It is actually day three but based on 72 hours based on the last time, but then ten more hours added on based on the time of day of this update, which equals 82 hours which sounds a lot more than three days. Husband decides to start again at writing 3X5 cards of intimacy thoughts/ideas. Husband prays that he is not going to Hell. Husband thinks about taking large doses of anxiety meds. To relax about it, but also to want it less. This is not good. Again, he doesn’t just want it, but wants it with her.
Husband realizes that some would say that he is the problem. Compromise? Nope, he is supposed to wait happily knowing that his wife is thinking about it all the time, until it happens again. (?)
Note: For this to be true it means she isn’t thinking about it very hard, most of the time.
Note: Hooray that she married this guy and not the other boyfriends that would have divorced her years ago.
Husband does the “M” to try and rest himself to feel normal. Still, a frustration move.
Day Three, March 2024
Nothing to report except love shared between both. No signs of the next time. Husband feeling antsy already, however. Thinking of next time. Sadly, thinking if someone “on the side” is the answer, which is something he definitely does not want, and knows that would not help.
Does she know he struggles like this? Yes, he has come to her when things feel desperate for him, so this should not be shocking to her. Does she devise a plan to help him? It seems she wants him to know that she is always thinking of their next time together, but also wants him to know that she will rarely vocalize it. That is what she learned from her parents, or what she gleaned from her early years as the intimacy shared, vocalized, in person, about intimacy in marriage was a big zero.
Day Two, March 2024
This is the actual Day One but feels like day two as the last act was around 1:00 AM Sunday Morning, but that still is 34 hours ago. For this husband that is already a lot. The thought of her going away again is affecting him. Is wondering how she can love him so much. The way she said it, makes it sound like she is an alien race that is programmed to love him, and to love every little exchange as big-time love…love that builds and leads to the next time.
Now after the last time he confessed that seven weeks was too long for him. She said however their were unique circumstances. He admitted, that even with that understandable life circumstances, seven weeks is still hard.
We think that because the last time before this time, was seven weeks ago, this husband won’t fully come down until actual frequency is in place.
This day two is hard for the husband, and even did the “M.” He felt this would not hinder the next time he is intimate with his wife as he is doubting that it be today. If it is, then it won’t be until late in the evening which gives at least twelve hours to be ready for it.
Day 0.5, March 2024
Day One felt like Day 51 in a way because the act happened between midnight and 2:00 AM. The husband felt much stamina, and despite being done, was willing to continue because of the fear of not knowing the next time.
He tried to strike a bargain, that they could stop, out of consideration for the hope of doing it again at least once, hopefully twice, before the wife left on a weekend long trip in six days. She replied, “I need my sleep!” An almost surprising response considering he set it up for “Ok, that sounds like a plan, love you, good night.”
Husband tried to “M” later in the day to diffuse himself, but not a lot in the tank, so he gave up. The rest of the day was loving.
Wife stays up late doing stuff for the next day. Here we go again?
Day 50, March 2024
A few more hoops and it happens. Despite 50 days, still what seemed like hesitancy; perhaps, shyness. Also, needing certain things to be a certain way, before fully succumbing, giving up oneself to the act. The husband strives for discussion after. Wanting to plan for the next time. Silence from the wife ts the answer. Conclusion admission is that the wife is always thinking about it, and just takes a lot for the moment to f=get a chance. So, what is the answer?
Feel good that every normal thing, to her, is a communication that the next time, will eventually come. No code words are needed. Every day is a message of love in the normal living of a day, with the message of “someday will happen.”
This is deep. It teaches us that an equation is at hand.
Day 49, March 2024
With the two kids now gone a long date begins. Watching home movies. Take out. As it nears midnight, the husnad starts tot doubt that it will happen. Some weird things are said by the wife. Panic. The husband goes to bathroom to get a quick break, and yes to use the toilet, but while there, a few quick tears. The feeling of dread.
Day 48, March 2024
A very telling discussion. Husband says good things about the kids being gone this upcoming weekend. The wife downplays it, like saying that one of the kids would probably still be there. Some back and forth started as the husband tries to make his point that Saturday was still their best most recent chance at a day alone. he did not mention sex. Was he thinking sex could happen? yes, of course, if it does not happen on a day like that then something is definitely broken. Again, trying to remain loving. Not wanting to ruin the chances. But the husband gets frustrated and decides to calm it. This was not worth discussing anymore, as he was frustrated. maybe sensing this the wife says, “I have some things planned for us.”
Care to elaborate on that a little? Maybe throw your husband a bone for anticipation’s sake? Was she thinking that getting rest before Saturday would make Saturday a good day for it? Why not share that fact a week ago? She had said how frustrating it was that she wasn’t able to get rested, despite trying to rest, since finalizing the funeral. Was this her way of saying, “I want it; I just need rest.”
Note: If the wife would just say it, the husband would see this as a loving gesture.
Day 47, March 2024
Visited adult shop for ideas. This is telling. A desperation move, for sure.
He starts to write note cards with fun intimate ideas and tips. Also, a one-page letter sharing thoughts on intimacy. Will leave on her desk at home, tonight. All notes, and letter are loving. Sharing communication on intimate thoughts and ideas that are not easy to share face to face. Why? Some embarrassment on her part, and maybe some shame that her husband has to go to such lengths. With the occasional “Shhh, the kids can probably here you talking.”
Then let them hear.
Day 46, March 2024
Woke up early and asked that she let him know when she was getting up, but to leave him a few seconds, as he wanted to give some sweet kisses on her neck. She must have been suspicious, thinking the worst. He even got up and sat on her side of the bed, waiting. You see if you try intimacy too early, she will say, “I need my sleep,” and if you wait a second too long, she will say, “I have to get ready for work.” So, she hits her alarm and starts to get out of bad as he kisses her neck, and on cue, she says, “I have to get ready for work!” He walks away proclaiming that he only needed a few seconds, to bless her with kisses to the neck, and explains how he tried to time it perfectly. In other words, “Cut me some slack, I tried to do it without inconveniencing you.” This leads to frustration, and he confesses that something she did the prior day had hurt his feelings. She hangs her head like “Cousin It” with hair just hanging over her face. He talks about it a little longer, and then changes the subject. She says nothing.
If we “filter” the moment, she was realizing how she uncorked the caged beast, and if she had only allowed him to simply gives the small kisses, this part would not be happening. He quickly does what he needs to do and goes downstairs to finish getting ready, and to escape the scene.
Day 45, March 2024
Was telling her, “We should be intimate” and she interjects, “I knew you were going to say that.”
So, he says, “No, what I am saying is, we should have sex every time I lose a pound.”
Did she smile at this? Still, an awkward moment.
Tell her next time to just go along with it. She can give him the “sexy eyes” as she listens and gets the full meaning, before she squashes his effort. Otherwise, this is disheartening. Tell her to just roll with it before using words. “Oh really, ah ha, hmmm.” in a sexy tone with loving sexy eyes, before responding too quickly. Play the game. He is fragile as he makes these efforts.
Day 44
Husband has not mentioned sex once. Trying to be supportive.
Day 24
Wife returns from four-day trip, ten days later, because of loss of life in the family. Funeral planning will ensue for the next month. No “welcome home” sex. Understandable, but noted. Coping mechanism is not an intimate romp with husband.
Day 14
Wife leaves for four-day weekend to help family. No goodbye sex.
Around January 20, 2024
Sex happened. Not sure how or why. She cried out to God so she got more out of it than usual. She must have.
Lessons Learned
If you identify her version of “trying,” then that is the answer. See that as love, take part accordingly, and through appreciation encourage intimacy through sharing verbally, to bridge the gap to next time. Confidently talking about it, while acting as if you are not dropping hints, is a strong move. For Example, “Remember that one time? That was so original. Neat how decades later new things still happen in our intimacy.”
Romance; image, by RedHeadsRule at Pixabay.
e been wanting it and when a window of opportunity opened up, she took it. He was not expecting it but was not going to complain. He expressed thankfulness and gratitude during and after.
Romance; image, by RedHeadsRule at Pixabay.